Harry Potter and the Leather Trousers of Discord
by Rita Screecher
Summary: A very disgruntled aunt sends a pair of leather trousers to a crowded wedding reception with a note that says “For the sexiest.” Three step forward to claim it: Harry, Ron, and Draco. Who will receive the trousers?


Title: Harry Potter and the Leather Trousers of Discord  
  
Author: Aileen  
  
Author email: [1]teenyaileeny@msn.com  
  
Category: humor  
  
Keywords: Harry Potter, humor  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Rating: PG-13 for language and innuendo  
  
Summary: A very disgruntled aunt sends a pair of leather trousers to a crowded wedding reception with a note that says "For the sexiest." Three step forward to claim it: Harry, Ron, and Draco. Who will receive the trousers?  
  
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Based on the Greek myth explaining the start of the Trojan War.  
  
A/N: I had fun writing this; I hope you have as much fun reading it! I was stuck on what to write about, and Katie begged me to write something - anything - that had Harry in leather in it, so this was the end result.  
  
Characters and their Greek myth counterparts  
  
Harry = Aphrodite  
  
Draco = Hera  
  
Ron = Athena  
  
Ginny = Zeus  
  
Hermione = Paris  
  
Sean Biggerstaff = Helen (very loosely based)  
  
Aunt Eris = Eris, Goddess of Discord  
  
Keep in mind that this isn't exactly how the original Greek myth was like. I modified some things to fit our "Harry Potter needs."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Witch Weekly  
  
Volume 183, No. 2  
  
Week of January 27, 2002  
  
Yada yada yada, you know the drill. New edition of Witch Weekly, new winner of Mary Sue Contest. This time some guy named Bomer won it. Oh yeah, he wanted to tell me that in no way is he related to Homer, the Greek poet that wrote "The Odyssey." Blah, blah, blah. *editor yawns, then yells defensively* Hey, you try editing this whole freakin' magazine, and read about 20,000 Mary Sue stories in a week! *sobs* Rita Screecher, come back! *editor is likewise carted off kicking and screaming by security*  
  
Harry Potter and the Leather Trousers of Discord  
  
By Bomer  
  
It was the big day. Ginny looked at herself critically in the mirror, turning to one side first, then to the other, squinting.  
  
"You don't think it's too..."  
  
"Too what?" Hermione asked absentmindedly, who was busy trying to drape the veil just right.  
  
"Too, you know, ostentatious?" Ginny said nervously.  
  
"It's perfect," Hermione replied, giving the veil one last adjustment. She stepped back from Ginny and smiled.  
  
"Beautiful," she said, beaming. "You look gorgeous."  
  
Ginny turned to Hermione, her eyes filling.  
  
"Don't cry!" Hermione warned. "You'll ruin your makeup."  
  
"Thank you so much, Hermione," Ginny said, trying to hold back her tears. "You've been a great friend."  
  
The two girls hugged each other, but broke apart when Ron stuck his head in the door.  
  
"Look at you two, blubbering away like there's no tomorrow," he said, shaking his head and laughing. "Come on, Ginny - the ceremony's starting."  
  
Ginny looked at herself one last time in the mirror, then swept out of the room.  
  
***  
  
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony of Draco Malfoy and Virginia Weasley," Snape, who was the minister, intoned. His face was bright red and dripping with sweat. He finally burst out, "Good Lord! Would someone please crack a window! I'm burning up in here!"  
  
"I can tell," Draco muttered to Ginny. "You'd think that the guy doesn't use deodorant." He made a disgusted face and mimed holding his nose and vomiting. Ginny stifled a snicker.  
  
"Keep going," someone hissed. Snape snarled at them, but continued.  
  
Ginny was barely listening to Snape, she was too busy trying to breathe through her mouth and avoiding breathing in Snape's disgusting body odor. Draco, on the other hand, looked like he was about to pass out from holding his breath.  
  
"Just skip ahead to the part where you say `And now I pronounce you husband and wife,'" Draco finally burst out, interrupting Snape in mid sentence. Snape made a very ugly face at Draco, but relented.  
  
"And now I pronounce you husband and wife," he said, then with a barely concealed smirk, "You may now kiss the bride."  
  
The entire congregation burst into cheers as Draco pulled Ginny close and kissed her. Even Dumbledore threw up his hat.  
  
***  
  
"How are you enjoying the reception?" Ginny inquired to each person she passed. They smiled and nodded, and resumed shoveling food into their faces.  
  
"Good cake," one of them said, spewing frosting all over the place. Ginny managed a smile, and quickly moved on.  
  
"Darling," Draco said, intercepting her, "Stop roving around the place and sit down! Enjoy some food!"  
  
Ginny surrendered, and joined him at the head of the long table. Lavender Brown clinked her spoon against her glass. Draco leaned over and kissed Ginny. Then Dumbledore clinked his glass, and they kissed once more. After about 26 people had clinked their glasses, one after another, Draco finally yelled, "Give us a chance to eat, people!"  
  
At the other end of the table, Harry nudged Ron, and they wickedly clinked their glasses with their spoons again.  
  
"Oh, hell," Draco said. He got up, pulling a surprised Ginny up with him, and dipped her down as though they were dancing and gave her a huge, exaggerated kiss. Everyone yelled and stomped their feet. George and Fred were cheering loudest of all.  
  
A shadow swooped down into their midst. It was a large black crow, and it dropped a package onto the middle of the table, then promptly disappeared as suddenly as it came. A hush came over the crowd.  
  
"Pass it up," Draco said, "it might be a wedding present or something." He gave a small laugh, trying to relieve the tension in the crowd. The package was passed up to them, and Draco studied the brown paper wrappings.  
  
"Well, erm, it doesn't really say anything," he said. "Should I open it?"  
  
The response was mixed. Some people said, "Go for it, who knows, it could be something from Victoria's Secret for Ginny" and some said, "What kind of idiot are you, opening unknown, unlabeled packages?"  
  
Draco shrugged, and, throwing caution to the wind, tore it open. A few people winced, as though expecting the package to explode. Draco stared down at it. Picking up a note, he read aloud:  
  
"Congratulations to the new couple. Thanks a lot for inviting me, darlings. Not. Here's a little present for the lucky guests.  
  
-Eris, your apparently forgotten about Aunt  
  
"Eris?" Draco said, his brow furrowing. "I don't have an Aunt Eris."  
  
Ginny, on the other hand, had turned a very unflattering color of green. She grabbed the parchment and groaned.  
  
"Oh, no. I can't believe we forgot to invite Aunt Eris!" she said, wringing her hands. "Oh, we're going to be in such trouble..."  
  
"Why, what's wrong?" Parvati asked.  
  
"Aunt Eris is a very...how should I put it...temperamental aunt," Ginny explained. "The slightest thing sets her off, and she usually likes doing spiteful things as revenge. Mum forgot to invite her to a birthday party of Percy's one year, and she supposedly sent him a thin-bottomed cauldron as a gift. Percy, to this day, still has nightmares about thin-bottomed cauldrons attacking him."  
  
"Well, dear, I don't think there are any cauldrons in this tiny little package," Draco smiled. Harry and Ron snickered at the other end of the table, and Draco, twigging on, turned a bright red.  
  
"Right then," he said loudly. He lifted something from the package. It was a small bundle of...leather? He unfolded the bundle, revealing leather trousers with another note pinned to it. He unpinned the note.  
  
"It says `For the sexiest'," he informed them. He grinned, "Well, then, of course they're obviously meant for me."  
  
"No, they're obviously meant for me," Harry said, standing up at the opposite end of the table.  
  
"No, they're obviously meant for me!" Neville said, getting up onto his chair. Everybody burst out laughing, and Neville slunk back into his seat.  
  
"They're mine," Ron said firmly, also standing up.  
  
"Darling," Draco said, turning to Ginny, "Tell these dolts that these trousers are obviously mine."  
  
"Ginny," Harry implored, "You know they're mine. Come on, you had a crush on me all through Hogwarts! Don't tell me you liked me only because I was famous. You had to think I was pretty dishy."  
  
"I'm your flesh and blood, Ginny!" Ron said. "Give the trousers to me!"  
  
Ginny, who was torn between her new husband, her old school crush, and her brother, was speechless. She didn't answer, and thought frantically, Draco's my husband! But if I say that the trousers are Draco's, my brother will kill me, and Harry will be hurt. But then, if I said the trousers were Harry's, Draco will probably divorce me, and Ron will be furious. But I can't give them to Ron, because that's just squicky! He's my brother!  
  
Making a fast decision, Ginny announced, "I award the decision to my friend Hermione Granger." She handed the trousers to Hermione. Phew, Ginny thought, that was close. Good thing I'm not judging.  
  
Hermione, on the other hand, was now speechless as well.  
  
Me? she thought incredulously. I have to judge who's the sexiest? She looked at the three boys, who looked back at her, all trying to pose "sexily" as though they were models. Draco tossed his silvery hair back and tried to gave her a `come hither' look, although to Hermione it looked more like he was constipated. Harry ran a hand through his hair, which only made it stand up worse than ever. Ron's hair wouldn't toss, try as he might to make it. He kept flicking his head back, making him look like one of those head-bobbing Chihuahua figures on car dashboards. Hermione groaned inwardly.  
  
"If you give me the trousers, Hermione, I'll give you all the textbooks and lessons you could ever want or need," Draco said suggestively, coming closer to her and putting a hand on her knee. "On anything," he added. "Anything you want." Ginny gave an outraged shout, and Draco, quickly taking his hand away from Hermione's knee as though he was burned, said hastily, "Textbooks. I'll give you textbooks."  
  
"If you give me the trousers, Hermione, I'll be your puppy-dog Ron forever," Ron said, batting his stubby eyelashes. Hermione nearly melted. Ron could be so adorable sometimes, even if he was a complete prat...other times.  
  
"If you give me the trousers, Hermione, I'll hook you up with that Muggle dude, what's-his-face...Sean Biggerstaff," Harry said. Hermione squealed.  
  
"Sean Biggerstaff?" she gushed. "Oh, he is such a cutie!" She nearly threw the trousers at Harry. Harry immediately shrugged off his sports coat and tie and unbuttoned the collar of his white shirt.  
  
"I award the leather trousers to you!" she said breathlessly. "Now, about the bribe - I mean, gift, that you offered me. How exactly are you going to get Sean to be my boyfriend?"  
  
"Easy," Harry said, who was now taking off his trousers. (A/N: Don't worry, people, he still had his boxers on. *grins cheekily* Girls, were you even worried? I know you people...lusting after a book character...tsk, tsk.) A couple of girls swooned, and a few passed out altogether. "I just hire Cupid to shoot a few arrows at him." Harry struggled on the leather trousers, then finally got them all the way up. He straightened up.  
  
"How do I look?" he said, smiling at the congregation. The few girls that hadn't swooned the first time did so now. The guys snorted and a few said, "Harry, you look like a complete twit with those trousers on." Draco pouted in the corner.  
  
*a few weeks later*  
  
Harry was still parading around in his leather trousers, which he refused to take off. Many wondered if it was because he liked them or if he couldn't get them off at all. Still others speculated on how he went to the bathroom. Draco and Ron were going about moodily, snarling at anyone who mentioned Harry and his leather trousers. Ginny was furious that Draco had kissed up to Hermione like that just to win the leather trousers, and refused to sleep in the same bed with him, much to the dismay of Draco. However, she relented after a week or so, and their marriage was *cough, cough* consummated fairly rapidly thereafter.  
  
And Hermione? She was basking in the attentions of Sean Biggerstaff, who was madly in love with her, much to the dismay of the Sean Biggerstaff fan club. *grins* Those crazy girls banded together in anger one day, and began to devise a plan to get him away from Hermione and back to their mad, scream-filled lair...but that's another story for another time.  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:purplehippo60@aol.com 


End file.
